Life · Uncategorized

Why I Never Thought it Would Happen to Me

I never thought that I could be depressed. I never felt like I had the right to be depressed. I never thought that I could have anxiety, I never thought I had a reason to. I spent a long time telling myself I didn’t need to get help. I told myself that it was selfish of me to think something could be wrong with me. I knew so many people going through so much worse than me, what reason did I have?

I was raised by two wonderful loving parents, they supported me in everything. I have always received the most unconditional love from my family. I was raised in the middle class, and most of my life was spent in suburbs. I was set up to be an American sweetheart. I had everything I could ever ask for. I was living out one of my dreams. I’ve got a wonderful fur baby. My life looked so perfect. So why did I want to give up so badly? It didn’t make sense.

I didn’t struggle with any of the things I thought you had to have to be depressed or have anxiety. I had read articles that friends shared on facebook about symptoms, and I had all of them. But I felt like I had no right to feel that way. So I kept everything locked inside. I thought that maybe I was making it up, since everyone saw my life as so wonderful and I didn’t.

The thing is, you don’t have to have a reason. It’s not fair to yourself to say things like that. Trust me, it only makes it worse. I spent weeks feeling confused. There was one point where I hated myself for feeling the way I did. I hated myself for not being able to be happy. I hated myself for wanting to disappear. I hated that I was afraid of myself.

When I finally admitted to a couple of close friends what I thought was happening, they didn’t look at me like I was crazy. They both actually told me they had been thinking for a while that I didn’t seem like myself but they didn’t know how to bring it up to me. That was such a huge relief for me. It was incredible to know that I wasn’t going crazy, and for someone to tell me that it was going to be okay.

When I finally accepted it, I was able to start the process of becoming better. The thing is, this can affect anyone. Stop adding telling yourself that you have no right, because it will only add to the pain. Depression and Anxiety are part of my life now. It’s a part that I am learning to live with. It is okay.

It can happen to anyone, but it is okay, because you have people to love and support you. There are so many places for you to go and people you can talk to. Trust me, you have ever right to feel however you feel. You have every right to need support or help sometimes. Don’t let yourself become worse because you don’t feel like you have a right to need help.



Life · Uncategorized

My Dog Is My Child

I read an article a few days ago saying that women who think of their pets as their child should be classified as having a psychiatric disorder. HAHAHAH I’m sorry what? I have so many issues with this. If anyone hasn’t seen that article floating around yet, give it a google.

First of all, I feed my dog, I take care of him, I give him a bath, he cuddles with me, and we spend a lot of time together. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m not saying that it is as hard as being a parent to a child, I’m not saying it is the same thing. They are very different things. But at this stage in my life, it is okay for my dog to be my child.

It is not my job to become a parent, it is a choice. A choice that right now involves a Jack Russell Terrier. I am not married, I am very young, I do not have a full time job, and I am in college. It’s really perfectly fine that I do not plan on having a child in the next two years. Loving my dog as much as I do does not make me a lesser person than women who have children. It doesn’t mean I’m not doing my part in the world.

I have friends who do not want to have kids, I have friends who have tried to have kids and couldn’t, I have friends who want kids down the line but not right now, and I have friends who have kids already.  None of them judge me for having a dog and not a child.

Neither do my parents, both of them will tell me “say hi to Walter” or “Give Walter a belly rub for me”. They are not embarrassed that I love my dog. They also love him, and are very thankful I found a dog like him when I needed it. They are not sad that I don’t have a kid (pretty sure they are happy about that fact). They are nothing but loving and supportive about my dog, and how much he is part of the family.

My dog is also not the reason I’m not married, or dating, and if you think that is a part of why this generation is not getting married as quickly, as young, or as often as our parents then you really need to do some research.

By the way, I did adopt my dog. I did rescue him from a shelter, and I will use the word rescue. He had been abandoned, and had no one to love him. I did not pick the cutest fluff ball, I picked the dog that had the personality I was looking for.

This does not mean that we think children are not important. I know just how important they are, I have been in children’s theater programs where we get to help the kids grow. We know children are our future. That does not mean that we have to have one to be doing our jobs. We have lots of other things we are doing to make this world a better place. Yes, eventually I do want kids, but even if I didn’t, the world has no right to judge me for it.

It is my choice, not yours. I’m not crazy because I love my dog. It is not a disorder. This dog is one of the reasons I’m alive today. I’m not exaggerating that. I was raised with dogs, they were amazing with me when I was a toddler, and all through growing up. They are a very important part of families. Maybe instead of worrying about how much I love my dog, or how important he is to me, you should be worrying about something else. My dog has nothing to do with if I have children or not. So don’t blame him.

Maybe the world should learn to love and support each other, that way the children that are in the world are not raised around hate and judgement.

Life · Uncategorized

Rose Tinted Glasses

I’ve had several people ask me if my relationship was so bad, why I was in it for four years. The thing is, when you are in it, it is very hard to see that. I thought everything he was doing was trying to make me a better person. It is hard to find the line between when someone is trying to help you, and when someone is trying to control you. I didn’t hate him until it was ending, until I realized what had happened, until I let myself see the truth. I loved him very much. I was planning to marry him in less than six months. We had been together four and a half years, and had been best friends for three years before that. I assumed he wanted what was best for me, he taught me that I wasn’t smart enough to think for myself, but I only saw the best.

The problem was that I was so desperate to make him happy, that I didn’t ever see it as him controlling me or being abusive. I always thought that maybe I had done something wrong, and he was telling me so that I could be better. I always thought that he was trying to lead me to be better. It happened so slowly at first that I didn’t notice any changes at all. I didn’t notice that I had drifted away from all of my friends because he didn’t like them. I didn’t notice that I had stopped all the activities that made me happy because he wanted to spend more time with me. I thought it was him being sweet, since my love language is quality time. But it wasn’t that at all. Everything was always my fault. I’ve actually been yelled at for going home for Christmas to see my family one year… I was yelled at for not having dinner ready when he got out of class. I was expected to be perfect, even though he constantly told me how I was never, and would never be good enough. But I saw it as him caring about me, and loving me.

I always saw the best in the situation, and I never saw the bad. Everything looks lovely when you are looking through rose tinted glasses. You don’t ever see the darkness. You are able to justify everything. You find a reason for it to be okay, you find a reason to tell yourself you are happy and in love. It’s a wonderful idea, being in love. It’s easy to convince yourself to be happy, because everyone wants love.

It took one of my closest friends sitting me down and looking at me and saying “you aren’t happy, something is very wrong here”. When she said it, I almost felt the glass shatter. All of the fears and thoughts I had been pushing away flooded me. I knew she was right, I knew I had been trying to ignore it for the better part of the relationship. I felt crazy until someone else saw it too. I had been looking through rose tinted glasses at our relationship, because I wanted to be loved. On the outside, our relationship looked so wonderful to so many people. I got to the point where I clung to the idea of our perfect relationship and was able to trick myself into ignoring what it had become.

See he had me convinced that I was crazy, and that he was perfect and I needed to be fixed, so I left him try to fix me. I had tried to talk to him about it several times, but things only got worse. Every time we talked about it, he told me that every couple fights and has hard times, but that he would get better. He made me feel like I couldn’t escape.

When you love someone, you want to see the best parts of them. We should always look for the best parts of people. The world needs that. But there is a difference between seeing the best, and not seeing abuse. I couldn’t see the difference for a long time. If you are ever in that situation, I promise you, if I was strong enough to get out, you are too. You are not alone, you are not trapped. There are people who can help you. Getting out of situations like that is so much better than staying in them.

Life · Uncategorized

Why I’m Talking About Hard Things

Because no one wants to. No one wants to feel this exposed, no one wants to have strangers judge them. No one likes feeling this vulnerable and out there. No one wants to be told that nothing is wrong with them are they are just looking for attention. It’s not easy for sure. The thing is, I know that if someone doesn’t start talking about it, we will start to feel more alone. I’ve been through a lot of things, that no one would expect me to have gone through. I’ve dealt with more pain than shows on my surface. It shocks people that I’ve been through what I have.

I’ve read so many articles online that made me feel like there was someone else in the world who understood. It made me realize I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t alone, that other people felt like I did too. Those people just don’t want to talk about it, and that is okay, no one is asking you too. But I know that I can, I’m strong enough now to be completely open. I have nothing to lose sharing my life, my experiences, my past, and where I will find myself going. Sure, I’ll get negative comments, and sure I’m opening myself up and people will attack me for it. But that’s just a part of life, miserable people will find things to attack. That helps them feel better.

If I can help one person to realize they are not alone, then I’ve done what I wanted to do by starting this blog. If I can convince one person that they are worth it, that they are important, and that they are beautiful and loved, then I’ve done what I came here to do.

I don’t expect everyone to share what they have been through, that is not always the path for them. Sure, I can be open about this now, but it’s taken me time. I know that I went through everything I did for a reason.

I know that by sharing my story that I could help someone. That’s why it is worth it to me. We are all human, we are all imperfect. I’m here to be completely real with you about it. I’m not telling you life is easy, I’m just telling you that even in the darkest of places, you can find at least a little bit of light. I’m here to tell you that if I can get through it, so can you.

Friendship · Life · Uncategorized

They Don’t Own You.

So here’s the thing, you are your own person. If you are in a relationship, he or she does not own you. You have every right to make your own choices. There is a line between being a partner and being controlling. I will not date someone if he thinks he can control me, if he thinks he can decide what I wear and what I do and who I talk to. Your partner does not decide your life for you. They are there to add to your life. Your life partner should be there to support you and encourage you.

For reference, this could be a partner, or even a friend. I have had so many friends who thought they could control me. Some people want full control of everything, including their friends. Just because one of my friends doesn’t like something, I don’t have to not like it… I can still like something. It is my choice, I get to form my opinions.

I’ve fallen into this trap before. I lost myself to make someone else happy. I was willing to give up who I was and become what they expected. When that relationship ended, I had nothing. I had no idea who I was, I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t like, I was like a lost puppy. That was a mistake, I should have never given up who I was. It doesn’t matter what the situation, it is not worth losing yourself. I wish I had learned that sooner. I wish I had known. Everything was chosen for me when I was with him. I didn’t know how to make any decision by myself, because for the last four years I never made any decisions. I didn’t even know how to decide where to go for dinner, I had always just been told where to go. I had to reevaluate everything, because what I wanted and what he wanted was so convoluted that I didn’t know which was which. I’ve watched so many friends give up everything to keep a significant other. That is not healthy.

The right person will love you for you. You are not anyone’s pet to be displayed. You are allowed to have friends, you are allowed to not like something, you are your own human, you are not theirs. You are allowed to have your own feelings, they do not get to decide how you feel about something. You do not need to change to keep someone around. I never want to watch anyone lose who they are for someone else. If they are asking you to become someone else, then they are not the one for you. There are millions of people in this world, one of them is going to adore who you are. Don’t waste time trying to become someone you are not for someone else. If they love you, they will love you, not who they want you to be.

Life · Uncategorized

No, It Is Not Easy.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all. ~ Thumper.

This little bunny has a point. It is not ever going to be okay to say something mean. I know I’ve talked about this a little bit before, but I am talking specifically about when you are talking to someone about their jobs or their passions.

I know that sometimes my jobs looks easy. I know sometimes other peoples jobs look easy. But they probably aren’t. There is probably a lot more that goes into it than you realize. It is not okay to make someone feel like you do not respect them and their hard work. Sometimes the hardest part of a job is making it look easy, and sometimes there is so much. I have so many people who have told me that I must have the easiest job in the world, trust me when I say it is not. I am able to say that my job is hard, there are a lot of things that go into it that no one would ever realize. I do a lot of things to be able to make it look easy. Everyone who works hard can tell you that.

The thing is, peoples passions have to be developed. You telling them “oh it’s easy” “oh anyone can do that” is not fair. I’m pretty sure anything can do anything they want to, but not everyone is going to be good at it. We all have things that we love doing. I absolutely love to perform, anyone who ever has done theater can tell you that it takes a lot of hard work.

I have friends who do photography, something I can tell you I would never be able to do. They put so much work into it, from planning locations, to directing their models, to everything post production. Sometimes you have to edit because the lighting was bad, or to balance the color. It’s not easy to learn a photo editing software. No you can’t just “push a button”. I mean you can, but it won’t look good. I can throw a football, but it won’t be done well.

There is a huge difference between “everyone can do it” and “you are amazing at it”. “Everyone can do that” “Oh your job is so easy anyone could do it” those are not exactly great to hear. That undermines all of the hard work that I have put in. It makes me feel worthless, because if everyone can do it why should I be? It makes me feel smaller. It makes me feel like no one appreciate the work I do put in. It makes me feel like I don’t need to be here. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t try anything, since everyone can do it.

If you are insecure about what you do, if someone’s talent threatens you, that is your issue not them, so don’t take it out on them.

Life · Uncategorized

I’m Fine.

I’m fine really means I’m falling apart. I’m fine really means I feel like I am being torn to pieces, but I don’t know how to tell you that. I’m fine means that I know I have a lot going on, but so do you and I don’t want to bother you. I’m fine means I’m not okay, but I don’t want to bother you.

Everyone who knows me, knows that if I say I’m fine, something is very wrong. I’m fine is one of the first things I say when I am shutting down. I’m fine is not every something someone wants to hear me say. I say it because I know that I’m not the only one going through stuff, and I know we talk about my stuff a lot. It means that I feel bad for that. I know you say you are always going to be there, but I still have the fear that you will get tired of me not being okay and decide you are done. I don’t want to make you run away.

I’m fine means that I don’t know how to explain everything I’m feeling and thinking. I probably have hundreds of things racing through my mind, none of them good. It means that something is wrong, and I want you to know something is wrong, but I don’t want to flat out tell you.

It’s not easy for you as my friend to watch me go through this. I know there are times you don’t know what to do. I’m fine means that I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering you. I want to be able to fake being okay for you.

It could even mean that I am trying to find the words to explain it to you, and just haven’t figured it out yet. It is difficult to find words to explain how it feels to be breaking. Sometimes I need to stop and look at myself and try to decide what is going on. This can take me some time. Sometimes I start acting weird before I realize that I’m starting to breakdown. Sometimes you’ll notice it before I have. That’s okay. Love me through it.

When I say I’m fine, know that I’m really not, but I want to try.