Because someone has to be. Because I know so many people who are afraid of it. Because I hate the looks I get from people. It’s not contagious, okay? So chill. I’m still Mary and this is a very real part of my life. I’m still your friend, your coworker, that quiet girl you went to high school with, or that girl who you met in college while in some club or activity. I didn’t go away. I’m still here, and I’m still me. I still love to laugh, I still want what’s best for my friends, I still love with my whole heart.
Some things are just different now. There are days I can’t be happy. There are days I sit in a chair and I cry. There are days where I don’t want to try. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost myself. It is a fight to find something to be happy about. Daily I freak out about things that I don’t need to freak out about. There are times I can’t leave my apartment. There are other days I need to not be in my apartment. There are times I think it is easier to shut everyone out, but the other times I need someone there. There are also days I don’t know what I need from anyone.
My friends are the most amazing- because loving me requires a lot of patience. They love me through the tears. They love me through the panic. They have never asked to understand it, because it’s hard to understand the fear. The feeling that the walls are closing and the darkness is eating you. It’s never going to be easy. I fight this every single day.
I promise- almost everyone knows someone dealing with this. Even if they don’t want to talk to you about it (I know I didn’t for a while). Don’t try to guilt trip them into going out, try to be patient if they don’t want to do something. They just need people to love them. They need someone to prove that they are there for them.
Just because my brain chemicals are imbalanced doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me, it just means I’m different. Different is not bad.
Maybe, just maybe if we start talking about it people will realize there is nothing wrong. It’s just a part of life.