It’s so easy to become what everyone wants you to be. It’s so easy to lose yourself. I spent so much of my life trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be. I grew up wanting to make everyone happy, I did everything I could to attempt to be what I thought I should be. The problem with that is, I didn’t actually know who I was.
When I was a senior looking at colleges, I thought I wanted to study musical theater, and I absolutely wanted to move out of Texas. The problem was, my boyfriend at the time told me that if I moved he would break up with me. That is how I ended up at the University of North Texas studying Recreation and Leisure Studies. It just sounded like the least awful thing I could pick, while staying with him. I can tell you now, he was not worth that. Three years later I would drop out of North Texas anyways. Three years of trying to convince myself that I chose the right thing. When I finally got out of that relationship, I didn’t know who I was, I only knew who he wanted me to be. My identity was in him.
So I set out to try to find myself again, but I didn’t really do a good job of that either. I took an internship with a company I had wanted to work with for years. The problem is I moved and started working six days a week, and when I wasn’t working, I was visiting where I worked. I didn’t know anything outside of that company. I once again was realizing, I didn’t know who I was. I was letting my job and the people there decide who I was for me.
I think it’s hard to look at yourself and realize that you are not who you want to be. It’s hard looking in a mirror and asking yourself if you know the girl looking back at you. Unfortunately, for a long time my answer was no I didn’t. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be doing, what I liked, or what I stood for. I know that it is easier to let everyone decide everything for you, but you won’t be happy like that.
The good news is, that once you have realized you have lost yourself, you can start finding yourself. The good news is, that if you don’t know who you are, you can still find out. The good news is, that you can look at those people and tell them no. You can start doing things that you want to do. You are your own person. I believe in you, and you should too.
Finding myself again has meant lots of things for me. It has meant taking a step back from the company that controlled my life, it has meant distancing myself from people who wanted to tell me who I was. It meant learning to love myself. It meant starting this blog. It meant spending nights reading, not forcing myself out to a bar where I was going to be miserable. It meant that I needed to realize that if someone wanted to make me something that I wasn’t, I had to stand up for myself. That’s not easy. But to be happy with who I was it is something I had to do. I couldn’t let everyone control my life.
I spent way too long letting everyone else choose who I was. I couldn’t make any decisions myself, which was frustrating, I just didn’t know how to. It’s my time, it’s my life. I’m going to be who I want to be, not who you want me to be.