I’m fine really means I’m falling apart. I’m fine really means I feel like I am being torn to pieces, but I don’t know how to tell you that. I’m fine means that I know I have a lot going on, but so do you and I don’t want to bother you. I’m fine means I’m not okay, but I don’t want to bother you.
Everyone who knows me, knows that if I say I’m fine, something is very wrong. I’m fine is one of the first things I say when I am shutting down. I’m fine is not every something someone wants to hear me say. I say it because I know that I’m not the only one going through stuff, and I know we talk about my stuff a lot. It means that I feel bad for that. I know you say you are always going to be there, but I still have the fear that you will get tired of me not being okay and decide you are done. I don’t want to make you run away.
I’m fine means that I don’t know how to explain everything I’m feeling and thinking. I probably have hundreds of things racing through my mind, none of them good. It means that something is wrong, and I want you to know something is wrong, but I don’t want to flat out tell you.
It’s not easy for you as my friend to watch me go through this. I know there are times you don’t know what to do. I’m fine means that I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering you. I want to be able to fake being okay for you.
It could even mean that I am trying to find the words to explain it to you, and just haven’t figured it out yet. It is difficult to find words to explain how it feels to be breaking. Sometimes I need to stop and look at myself and try to decide what is going on. This can take me some time. Sometimes I start acting weird before I realize that I’m starting to breakdown. Sometimes you’ll notice it before I have. That’s okay. Love me through it.
When I say I’m fine, know that I’m really not, but I want to try.