You tell me you want me to calm down, but do you realize it’s not that easy for me? I can’t just tell myself to stop panicking. I am not staples, I do not have a button to magically fix things and then say “that was easy”. It is not me being dramatic, it’s not me looking for attention. It’s something that happens to me. I am a little bit like a roller coaster, I have my ups and my downs, and sometimes I cry and get scared.
The thing is I can’t just stop feeling the darkness. “There is nothing to worry about” yeah, that’s really easy for you to say. Logically, I know that everything is okay but my brain doesn’t believe that. To me something is very wrong. I fight myself about it every single day. It feels like I’m trapped in a box and the box is being shaken. It feels like terror is eating me alive. It is real.
You say don’t panic like you think I have control. You tell me to calm down like you think that I can… Do you honestly think I want this? Do you honestly think I want to feel this much darkness? I don’t. I didn’t chose this. I can’t wave a wand and feel better. You make it sound so easy. I wish it was a light switch to turn on and off, but it’s not.
Believe me, I am trying to calm down. I want my heart to stop racing, I want to feel normal. Once it’s started it is unbelievably hard to get rid of the panic. It gets hard to breathe correctly, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. When you tell me to calm down, it makes me feel like I can’t talk to you about it. It makes me feel like you think this is my fault. It sounds like you are trying to blow over it and move on. I’m trying my best here, even if it’s not good enough for you.
It might take me time to breathe normally. It may take me a little bit for my hands to stop shaking and for the room to stop spinning. It may take me a little bit to be able to tell you what’s wrong. I might be exhausted during the day because I can’t sleep because I lay there panicking. I don’t even understand why I feel the anxiety half the time. I know it sounds crazy to some people.
The best thing you can do is be there. What I need might change depending on what I’m feeling. I could need space and a dark room, I could need to talk to you. Sometimes I need to not think about anything, I need a distraction. Other times talking makes it worse. There are times when I just need to cry and then I’ll feel better. There is not one right answer to this, every situation will be different. I can’t predict what I will need when it happens.
I know it is hard, but telling me to calm down doesn’t help anyone. I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering you. If I need help, I’m not going to tell you. I don’t want to make this your problem. I get that you don’t know what to do. I get that is sucks feeling helpless, but you help more than you could ever imagine. I know that it’s not easy to be the friend of someone who is going through this. I know it’s easier to let yourself drift away. I know other people are more fun than I am. But I need to feel loved and supported. I don’t want to be alone.