To all of my friends,
You shouldn’t take it personally, it’s more about the people who came before you than you. See, the thing is I don’t know how to trust people anymore. I’m still learning. It’s hard once you’ve been broken so many times.
I know it’s not really fair. I hate that if we have plans I want to text you five times to make sure we are still going. I hate that I expect to be let down, I expect you to cancel on me. I expect you to drop me the moment it becomes convenient for you. I know you’ll end up replacing me, because that’s how it’s always been. Someone more fun comes along. Someone who is easy to hang out with, who is always happy and always down with whatever you want. I know that it’s not fun to be around someone who is depressed, misery loves company and all that. I know I “bring down the room”. I don’t want to do that, but sometimes it’s going to happen.
Why do you think I won’t ever tell anyone what I want to do? It’s because I would rather be unhappy doing what everyone else wants than risk making someone unhappy with me for wanting to do something different. I don’t want to upset anyone, because I’m afraid of losing them. I’ve learned that standing up for myself leads to losing people.
I don’t want to get attached to any friendship, because I’ve had years of friends walking out on me. I’ve been replaced for someone who was more convenient or more fun. I’ve been tossed to the side. I’ve been lied to “Oh, I still care about you” but then they won’t make plans with me. I’ve had people tell me that they loved me, but told everyone at work how horrible I am. So maybe you can see why it might be harder for me to trust you.
You can’t tell me that you love me, but refuse to talk to me when I need someone. That’s not the way friendship works. The thing is, I have had so few friendships where I wasn’t hurt, that it’s hard for me to believe you will be any different. What’s to say that you will change your mind, or find someone else to hang out with? I’ve learned I’m replaceable. So I’m sorry that I don’t trust you. But I’m afraid of trusting you.