Life · Uncategorized

I Wish I Was _____

Comparison is kinda pressures sister. We compare ourselves to others and then we feel like there is this pressure to be perfect. I wish I was pretty like them. I wish I had cute cloths like them. I wish I was happy like them. I wish I had a relationship like them….

It’s so easy to look at everyone’s lives and tell yourself you are failing. I look at other people all the time and wish I had their job, or house, or life. I compare myself to what I see on Facebook. I hate it.

It makes me feel so much worse about my life. I feel like I am failing, I’m going back to college, but everyone else graduated. I see everyone on facebook posting about having their dream jobs, and finishing their masters, and all the graduation photos. I have quit two jobs in the last year, I’ve failed out of two colleges, and I’ve heavily debated dropping out again. I live in yoga pants, and half the time I don’t wear makeup and my hair is full of dry shampoo. But then you see the girls post their selfies “day off” or “natural”…

I see people who are so happy with their jobs, but they are not jobs I would ever be happy with, so why am I beating myself up over not having it? All of us are at different points of our lives. My roommate tells me all the time that I can’t compare myself to where anyone else is because my journey is different. He also tells me that someone probably looks at my life and compares themselves to me.

It’s not easy, especially with the social media world we live in. Everyone is posting to try to make themselves look their best. People really only put the best of everything on Facebook and Instagram. There is that pressure I talked about in my last post. I know I’ve been guilty of this, on days I feel horrible I will post photos I think are cute, hoping to get validation. We want affirmation, we want praise, we want people to think we have everything together.

I would much rather post an edited photo from a photoshoot, than a photo of me in my t-shirt and baseball cap that I’m actually wearing. I see the candid’s people post of them laughing surrounded by flowers, and any candid’s people have my eyes are half closed and I’m making a weird face.

HAHAHA~ Let’s be totally real. We put on a show for Instagram and Facebook about how we are perfect and happy and love everything. Everyone is struggling, and everyone has things to work through. But we don’t post about those things.

My point is, no one is perfect, no matter what we try to convince everyone else. Don’t hate yourself because you don’t have the life someone on Facebook has. Don’t hate yourself because you don’t look like that girl from Instagram.

It takes someone from the outside looking in sometimes to tell me that I am doing okay. It’s hard to convince myself that, but I need to stop beating myself up over not being in the place someone else is.

Every single one of us has a unique journey. We all have different paths to take. I might not be where I want to be, but I’m working to get there and that’s all I can expect of myself. I don’t want someone to look at my life and want it. I want them to love their own life. You are beautiful, and wonderful, and have no reason to want any other life. No one is happy all the time. Be happy with who you are. I’m learning to be okay with where I am, because I am not anyone else. I am me. You need to be you. You need to be happy with who you are.

Life · Uncategorized

The Pressure to be____

The pressure to be in shape, the pressure to be flawless in photos, the pressure to have a perfect job, the pressure to be popular, the pressure to have makeup on and cute clothes, the pressure to be happy, the pressure to be perfect.

There are a lot of things that I would go back and tell younger Mary. One of the most important things is, be yourself.  I always thought I was good at that, but the more I grow and discover, the more I realize I was living how I thought I should. What I wore, how I acted, what I looked like- I was so self-conscious! I thought there was so much pressure on what I looked like. Really the pressure was something I made up in my head, and I think a lot of other people do too.

To be completely real, I still find myself scrolling through Instagram and Pinterest looking at all of these people who look perfect, and seem to have perfect lives. I want that. I want to look like that. But what I should want, is to be comfortable and happy. I walk by the magazines and want to look like that too. I see the advertisements about how buying this product will somehow make you better or more desirable. Who really cares??

One thing I have been thinking about a lot is the pressure we put on ourselves. I think it is easy to get so caught up in what we think people expect from us. Everyone is so worried about what other people think of them, they don’t realize that everyone is too worried about what people think of them to notice anything. It’s kind of like a circle, that just goes around and around. I am always hard on myself about things that no one notices, or cares about. I worry about people seeing me with my hair up, or my makeup not done, or when I don’t look my best.

That’s not what people care about, and if they do, they are not the kind of people you want around you. No one expects you to be perfect. I promise, you are much harder on yourself than you need to be. You are such a gift, you are beautiful and wonderful. Don’t lose who you are trying to be someone else.

We get so caught up in the pressure of what we feel like we have to do, that we stop living how we want to. We so often forfeit our own happiness so that we fit what we think society wants from us. We make ourselves so unhappy. If I am happy in a dress, great. If I am in yoga pants and a hoodie three sizes too big for me with my hair pulled out of my face, I should be just as happy.

Happy is important, happy is beautiful, and trying to be just like someone else isn’t worth it. Don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t like that girl in the magazine. All of us are stressed out, all of us have a million things to worry about, and all of us make mistakes. Love yourself, an everyone around you.

Don’t let someone else tell you what you should look like. You don’t have to be like everyone else, you are you. There is so much beauty in that. Don’t let some photo or article tell you who you should be.


Life · Uncategorized

I Am Very Busy.

I am so don’t be offended. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang out, or help you with a project or event. Trust me, I would love to say yes to everything… I just can’t. I can’t make everyone happy. I am very busy.

I have two jobs that I work every week, not to mention a third job I keep as well. Sure, I’m usually only at the third job once every month or so, but it’s still something that I have going on. Not only that, I’m training in two of my jobs, and they are both in different fields. I’m also a full-time student, being online doesn’t mean I have less work than someone on campus. I actually have more work, because my attendance each day is an assignment or a post I have to make. Showing up and listening to a lecture isn’t something that happens for me. But wait there’s more, I also have a dog.  If you think it’s not important for me to have time with my dog, then you’ve never owned one. I am a normal human, so I have to do laundry, dishes, and all of the other chores that I can’t afford to pay someone to do. (but hey, if anyone wants to help me clean in exchange for cookies, let a girl know).

The thing is, when I say I’m very busy I’m not blowing you off. I’m actually really busy. Most weeks I struggle to get everything I need to do done, not to mention everything everyone else needs from me. Being busy is nice for me, but that’s because I enjoy having things to do, that way I don’t feel like my days are wasted. But Dear God there is a difference between being busy and getting things done, and being so stressed out that I sit in my car for twenty mins and cry.

I’m very busy doesn’t mean “I don’t want to do that”. It means I don’t even know how to do everything I am already doing. No, I don’t have time to go shopping. No, I don’t have time to go to the movies right now. Eventually things will calm down and I will. But especially in the world we live in, everyone is busy.

I’m will do my best to make everyone happy, but the thing is if I make everyone else happy then I am completely miserable. I’m going to burn myself out if I keep everyone happy. I am very busy, and I am not here to make you happy.

If I forget about my own happiness, I get more stressed out. Please understand, I want to say yes to everyone. I want to be able to be there for everyone. I want to be able to do everything. But I can’t. I am only human. I am a human who has a lot of things going on already. It’s not that I don’t want to help you, but I can’t.

I am very busy, maybe I’m a little too busy, but you are too.


You Are Not Alone

Depression does all kinds of things to you. It convinces you that you don’t matter. It is a voice in your head that tells you no one loves you. It’s the part of your brain that tells you, you can’t do it. It’s the part that tells you that it would be better to be alone, and just push everyone away. You don’t want to leave your bed, you don’t want your dog to look at you, you don’t want anyone to be anything to you.

But you are not alone. Millions of people go through this with you. Millions of other stay awake at night thinking that everyone hates them, that they don’t deserve to be loved, and that maybe their friends would be better off without them. But they wouldn’t be. You are never as alone as you think you are. It feels like you are alone, but you aren’t.

Sure, people are going to walk out of your life. People are not always going to understand that you have to cancel plans, that you are not the same you anymore, or that things will change. But there are the people who will understand, trust me I do.

Honestly, depression and anxiety are more common than you would think. People are just afraid to talk about it. No one can blame them, it’s scary enough just to battle it. Opening up leaves you completely exposed. I know that if you are battling either one of these, it feels like you are alone. The thing is, you aren’t. You are never alone. There is always someone there for you, it might not always be who you expected, but someone is there. I know that when people talk about it they treat you like you have something they can catch. I know people think you control it and don’t understand that you don’t. I know how lonely that feels.

I know what it’s like to want to give up at three am. I know what it’s like to think that people would be better without you. I also know the heartbreak of losing friends and family. I know what it does to people. I know how terrible all of this is.

You are important. You are loved. You are strong. You can do this. It’s never going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

Life · Uncategorized

Why Wonder Woman Is Important

I’ve read countless articles on the new Wonder Woman movie that came out this weekend, and I finally saw the movie last night. I loved it. It is absolutely amazing, I think everyone should go and see it. But a lot of people don’t understand why it is important. Here are a few of my thoughts about the matter…

It is honestly so cool. Wonder Woman showed that women can be so much more than a pretty face.  We are strong, compassionate, we are fighters, we are courageous, and we will do anything for the people we love. Nothing can stop us, and nothing will.

The world is filled with strong women (and men), but it is also filled with people who tell us that we can’t be that. There are people who tell us our job is to stay quiet and look pretty. I wish I was making that up, but I’ve been told that. We fight every single day for things that some people are just given.

One moment that has always stuck with me was in 6th grade my history class talked about why we had never had a woman as president. My teacher talked about how a woman couldn’t handle it, and that we were too emotional and cared too much. I said that a woman could be president if she wanted to be, and his only response was “come find me when you become president and I’ll believe you”.

First of all, I can do anything I put my mind to. Second, it is not at all your place to make fun of me for standing up for what I believe in. I am the last girl you want to talk down to. I will fight you, because I have so much to prove. I’ve been laughed at, made fun of, told that I couldn’t do it, and I’ve heard no. I’ve worked in an office where some days I was the only girl. I’ve been told to give up because it is a man’s world. I might be little, but I am a little ball of fire. Do not tell me, or anyone that we should give up or not try. Sure, I care a lot about things. You could probably call me emotionally, but in a way that makes me stronger.

My parents taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to, I was raised thinking that I was equal. Because I should be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 5’3” I need help moving stuff, or opening jars. But if you tell me I can’t do something, now I just have even more to prove.

This past Halloween I happened to be going through a really hard time in my life, and one of my friends invited me to a Halloween event with her and I needed a costume. I didn’t really want to go, but it was better than sitting at home crying. It would be a good distraction. Why am I telling you this? Well, I walked into the costume store fully expecting to walk out with some Star Wars related something. But then a Wonder Woman dress caught my eye. I tried it on, and I felt incredible. It fit so well, it was comfortable, and I loved it. I felt amazing all night long. There was something really amazing about passing a window and seeing my reflection, I felt so confident, which if we are being honest is hard for me. Sometimes, every girl should feel like Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman is important, because in a way she is a part of all of us (ALL of us, not just girls). She is strong, she cares, and she will not be stopped. She carried a great burden, and she carried it well. She amazed people, she lead people, and she cared about the people. She brought new ideas and viewpoints. She was real and raw, she fought her battle, and she won.

Friendship · Life · Uncategorized

I Don’t Trust You

To all of my friends,

You shouldn’t take it personally, it’s more about the people who came before you than you. See, the thing is I don’t know how to trust people anymore. I’m still learning. It’s hard once you’ve been broken so many times.

I know it’s not really fair. I hate that if we have plans I want to text you five times to make sure we are still going. I hate that I expect to be let down, I expect you to cancel on me. I expect you to drop me the moment it becomes convenient for you. I know you’ll end up replacing me, because that’s how it’s always been. Someone more fun comes along. Someone who is easy to hang out with, who is always happy and always down with whatever you want. I know that it’s not fun to be around someone who is depressed, misery loves company and all that. I know I “bring down the room”. I don’t want to do that, but sometimes it’s going to happen.

Why do you think I won’t ever tell anyone what I want to do? It’s because I would rather be unhappy doing what everyone else wants than risk making someone unhappy with me for wanting to do something different. I don’t want to upset anyone, because I’m afraid of losing them. I’ve learned that standing up for myself leads to losing people.

I don’t want to get attached to any friendship, because I’ve had years of friends walking out on me. I’ve been replaced for someone who was more convenient or more fun. I’ve been tossed to the side. I’ve been lied to “Oh, I still care about you” but then they won’t make plans with me. I’ve had people tell me that they loved me, but told everyone at work how horrible I am. So maybe you can see why it might be harder for me to trust you.

You can’t tell me that you love me, but refuse to talk to me when I need someone. That’s not the way friendship works. The thing is, I have had so few friendships where I wasn’t hurt, that it’s hard for me to believe you will be any different. What’s to say that you will change your mind, or find someone else to hang out with? I’ve learned I’m replaceable. So I’m sorry that I don’t trust you. But I’m afraid of trusting you.


What I Mean When I Say I Hate People

It’s not that I hate people. I really love people honestly. I love getting to talk to people about things they are passionate about, about their life experiences, and where they have been. I think people are absolutely amazing. I don’t automatically hate everyone.

What I really mean is I hate the thought of being surrounded by strangers, or really large groups. It can be very overwhelming for me. It’s hard. When people ask me to hang out I might say “Nah, I really hate people”. Because “I actually don’t know if I can be around people right now, because some days I can’t handle human interaction and it stresses me out.” Is not really an acceptable response. “I actually feel really sad about everything and I don’t want to be harassed by people who think they are being funny.” Isn’t the best thing to tell people.

Its exhausting for me to be around groups for long periods of time. It’s over stimulating for me. My senses are taking in everything around me, people conversations, what other people are feeling. Everything is moving faster and faster, and I can’t keep up. It’s like being part of a race, that you didn’t know you were running. Even watching other people fight will stress me out. It’s part of being someone with a very high level of empathy. Social situations are super stressful for me.

Once I am overwhelmed I start shutting down. Sometimes “I hate people” is just an easy deflect. It’s not that I hate everything and everyone, it’s that once I’m drained, it’s hard to keep up with everyone else. I need some peace and quiet to calm down. I need for no one to directly engage with me for a little bit. I need to let myself calm down. It’s hard to do that around a group of people in a crowded area. It feels like being a trapped mouse.

Part of it is that it is easier to say that I hate people than to let someone into my life. It’s easier to shut everyone out. Most friends I’ve ever had, hurt me. A lot of people I trusted, lied to me.

I don’t want to be alone, but it’s harder to watch the people I love be affected by my depression and mood swings. It is hard to try to explain the real reason that I seem upset all the time, the real reason I cancel plans, and the real reason I don’t talk to anyone in groups, or in break rooms, or at parties. The real reason that sometimes I need to talk to someone. Because in the past, friends have told me I’m just doing it for attention. So I say I hate people, because it’s harder to let them in.