Life · Uncategorized

Rose Tinted Glasses

I’ve had several people ask me if my relationship was so bad, why I was in it for four years. The thing is, when you are in it, it is very hard to see that. I thought everything he was doing was trying to make me a better person. It is hard to find the line between when someone is trying to help you, and when someone is trying to control you. I didn’t hate him until it was ending, until I realized what had happened, until I let myself see the truth. I loved him very much. I was planning to marry him in less than six months. We had been together four and a half years, and had been best friends for three years before that. I assumed he wanted what was best for me, he taught me that I wasn’t smart enough to think for myself, but I only saw the best.

The problem was that I was so desperate to make him happy, that I didn’t ever see it as him controlling me or being abusive. I always thought that maybe I had done something wrong, and he was telling me so that I could be better. I always thought that he was trying to lead me to be better. It happened so slowly at first that I didn’t notice any changes at all. I didn’t notice that I had drifted away from all of my friends because he didn’t like them. I didn’t notice that I had stopped all the activities that made me happy because he wanted to spend more time with me. I thought it was him being sweet, since my love language is quality time. But it wasn’t that at all. Everything was always my fault. I’ve actually been yelled at for going home for Christmas to see my family one year… I was yelled at for not having dinner ready when he got out of class. I was expected to be perfect, even though he constantly told me how I was never, and would never be good enough. But I saw it as him caring about me, and loving me.

I always saw the best in the situation, and I never saw the bad. Everything looks lovely when you are looking through rose tinted glasses. You don’t ever see the darkness. You are able to justify everything. You find a reason for it to be okay, you find a reason to tell yourself you are happy and in love. It’s a wonderful idea, being in love. It’s easy to convince yourself to be happy, because everyone wants love.

It took one of my closest friends sitting me down and looking at me and saying “you aren’t happy, something is very wrong here”. When she said it, I almost felt the glass shatter. All of the fears and thoughts I had been pushing away flooded me. I knew she was right, I knew I had been trying to ignore it for the better part of the relationship. I felt crazy until someone else saw it too. I had been looking through rose tinted glasses at our relationship, because I wanted to be loved. On the outside, our relationship looked so wonderful to so many people. I got to the point where I clung to the idea of our perfect relationship and was able to trick myself into ignoring what it had become.

See he had me convinced that I was crazy, and that he was perfect and I needed to be fixed, so I left him try to fix me. I had tried to talk to him about it several times, but things only got worse. Every time we talked about it, he told me that every couple fights and has hard times, but that he would get better. He made me feel like I couldn’t escape.

When you love someone, you want to see the best parts of them. We should always look for the best parts of people. The world needs that. But there is a difference between seeing the best, and not seeing abuse. I couldn’t see the difference for a long time. If you are ever in that situation, I promise you, if I was strong enough to get out, you are too. You are not alone, you are not trapped. There are people who can help you. Getting out of situations like that is so much better than staying in them.

Life · Uncategorized

Why I’m Talking About Hard Things

Because no one wants to. No one wants to feel this exposed, no one wants to have strangers judge them. No one likes feeling this vulnerable and out there. No one wants to be told that nothing is wrong with them are they are just looking for attention. It’s not easy for sure. The thing is, I know that if someone doesn’t start talking about it, we will start to feel more alone. I’ve been through a lot of things, that no one would expect me to have gone through. I’ve dealt with more pain than shows on my surface. It shocks people that I’ve been through what I have.

I’ve read so many articles online that made me feel like there was someone else in the world who understood. It made me realize I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t alone, that other people felt like I did too. Those people just don’t want to talk about it, and that is okay, no one is asking you too. But I know that I can, I’m strong enough now to be completely open. I have nothing to lose sharing my life, my experiences, my past, and where I will find myself going. Sure, I’ll get negative comments, and sure I’m opening myself up and people will attack me for it. But that’s just a part of life, miserable people will find things to attack. That helps them feel better.

If I can help one person to realize they are not alone, then I’ve done what I wanted to do by starting this blog. If I can convince one person that they are worth it, that they are important, and that they are beautiful and loved, then I’ve done what I came here to do.

I don’t expect everyone to share what they have been through, that is not always the path for them. Sure, I can be open about this now, but it’s taken me time. I know that I went through everything I did for a reason.

I know that by sharing my story that I could help someone. That’s why it is worth it to me. We are all human, we are all imperfect. I’m here to be completely real with you about it. I’m not telling you life is easy, I’m just telling you that even in the darkest of places, you can find at least a little bit of light. I’m here to tell you that if I can get through it, so can you.

Friendship · Life · Uncategorized

They Don’t Own You.

So here’s the thing, you are your own person. If you are in a relationship, he or she does not own you. You have every right to make your own choices. There is a line between being a partner and being controlling. I will not date someone if he thinks he can control me, if he thinks he can decide what I wear and what I do and who I talk to. Your partner does not decide your life for you. They are there to add to your life. Your life partner should be there to support you and encourage you.

For reference, this could be a partner, or even a friend. I have had so many friends who thought they could control me. Some people want full control of everything, including their friends. Just because one of my friends doesn’t like something, I don’t have to not like it… I can still like something. It is my choice, I get to form my opinions.

I’ve fallen into this trap before. I lost myself to make someone else happy. I was willing to give up who I was and become what they expected. When that relationship ended, I had nothing. I had no idea who I was, I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t like, I was like a lost puppy. That was a mistake, I should have never given up who I was. It doesn’t matter what the situation, it is not worth losing yourself. I wish I had learned that sooner. I wish I had known. Everything was chosen for me when I was with him. I didn’t know how to make any decision by myself, because for the last four years I never made any decisions. I didn’t even know how to decide where to go for dinner, I had always just been told where to go. I had to reevaluate everything, because what I wanted and what he wanted was so convoluted that I didn’t know which was which. I’ve watched so many friends give up everything to keep a significant other. That is not healthy.

The right person will love you for you. You are not anyone’s pet to be displayed. You are allowed to have friends, you are allowed to not like something, you are your own human, you are not theirs. You are allowed to have your own feelings, they do not get to decide how you feel about something. You do not need to change to keep someone around. I never want to watch anyone lose who they are for someone else. If they are asking you to become someone else, then they are not the one for you. There are millions of people in this world, one of them is going to adore who you are. Don’t waste time trying to become someone you are not for someone else. If they love you, they will love you, not who they want you to be.

Life · Uncategorized

No, It Is Not Easy.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all. ~ Thumper.

This little bunny has a point. It is not ever going to be okay to say something mean. I know I’ve talked about this a little bit before, but I am talking specifically about when you are talking to someone about their jobs or their passions.

I know that sometimes my jobs looks easy. I know sometimes other peoples jobs look easy. But they probably aren’t. There is probably a lot more that goes into it than you realize. It is not okay to make someone feel like you do not respect them and their hard work. Sometimes the hardest part of a job is making it look easy, and sometimes there is so much. I have so many people who have told me that I must have the easiest job in the world, trust me when I say it is not. I am able to say that my job is hard, there are a lot of things that go into it that no one would ever realize. I do a lot of things to be able to make it look easy. Everyone who works hard can tell you that.

The thing is, peoples passions have to be developed. You telling them “oh it’s easy” “oh anyone can do that” is not fair. I’m pretty sure anything can do anything they want to, but not everyone is going to be good at it. We all have things that we love doing. I absolutely love to perform, anyone who ever has done theater can tell you that it takes a lot of hard work.

I have friends who do photography, something I can tell you I would never be able to do. They put so much work into it, from planning locations, to directing their models, to everything post production. Sometimes you have to edit because the lighting was bad, or to balance the color. It’s not easy to learn a photo editing software. No you can’t just “push a button”. I mean you can, but it won’t look good. I can throw a football, but it won’t be done well.

There is a huge difference between “everyone can do it” and “you are amazing at it”. “Everyone can do that” “Oh your job is so easy anyone could do it” those are not exactly great to hear. That undermines all of the hard work that I have put in. It makes me feel worthless, because if everyone can do it why should I be? It makes me feel smaller. It makes me feel like no one appreciate the work I do put in. It makes me feel like I don’t need to be here. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t try anything, since everyone can do it.

If you are insecure about what you do, if someone’s talent threatens you, that is your issue not them, so don’t take it out on them.

Life · Uncategorized

I’m Fine.

I’m fine really means I’m falling apart. I’m fine really means I feel like I am being torn to pieces, but I don’t know how to tell you that. I’m fine means that I know I have a lot going on, but so do you and I don’t want to bother you. I’m fine means I’m not okay, but I don’t want to bother you.

Everyone who knows me, knows that if I say I’m fine, something is very wrong. I’m fine is one of the first things I say when I am shutting down. I’m fine is not every something someone wants to hear me say. I say it because I know that I’m not the only one going through stuff, and I know we talk about my stuff a lot. It means that I feel bad for that. I know you say you are always going to be there, but I still have the fear that you will get tired of me not being okay and decide you are done. I don’t want to make you run away.

I’m fine means that I don’t know how to explain everything I’m feeling and thinking. I probably have hundreds of things racing through my mind, none of them good. It means that something is wrong, and I want you to know something is wrong, but I don’t want to flat out tell you.

It’s not easy for you as my friend to watch me go through this. I know there are times you don’t know what to do. I’m fine means that I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering you. I want to be able to fake being okay for you.

It could even mean that I am trying to find the words to explain it to you, and just haven’t figured it out yet. It is difficult to find words to explain how it feels to be breaking. Sometimes I need to stop and look at myself and try to decide what is going on. This can take me some time. Sometimes I start acting weird before I realize that I’m starting to breakdown. Sometimes you’ll notice it before I have. That’s okay. Love me through it.

When I say I’m fine, know that I’m really not, but I want to try.

Life · Uncategorized

Why I’m Glad I was a Theater Kid

There are so many reasons that I’m glad I grew up in theater. I learned the obvious things like stage right and left, I learned about Shakespeare, I know the difference between a light-bulb and a lamp (probably not what you’re thinking). But I also learned some things you might not expect from theater. I learned dedication, I learned leadership, I learned responsibility, I learned how to work hard, I learned how to give it my best, I learned to take criticism, and I learned to support everyone.

I know it may sound silly to some people, but those people didn’t spend three hours after school learning blocking. Those people didn’t run lines when they got home. Those people didn’t have paint stained shirts from weekends in the shop (and I don’t mean the mall). Those people have no idea how much hard work goes into it. Have you ever tried to perform a show 2-4 nights a week, that is physically and emotionally demanding, and giving it your all each time? It’s hard, but one of the best feelings in the world.

I learned to lead people my own age, because things needed to get done. I had amazing supportive teachers who trusted me with projects, and trusted me to lead. I learned how to do everything the best I could, because it was going to show. If I messed up, it effected everyone, not just me. I directed projects, which taught this very shy girl how to be in charge. It taught me a lot about what I had to could bring to the table.

I learned to listen, because if you miss one thing a director says, you are a world behind. I learned that everything takes hard work, but it is going to be worth it. You don’t get great results if you don’t put in great work. I know that I’m not perfect, I know I mess up. I also know that when I mess up I fix it. No one fixed my messes for me, sure they helped me if I needed help. But each of us had to own our mistakes.

Now, not everyone is going to agree. You are going to fight. You are going to get jealous of someone who got the part that you wanted. You are going to have a different idea about how something should be done. You are not always going to get your way. But the amazing thing is, you learn how to handle that. You learn to work as a team and support everyone, even if you don’t like them. I promise you, that is very important in the real world. I know, sounds basic enough right? But I meet full grown adults who have never learned that.

I learned things that changed my life and make me come out a stronger person. I learned how to be confident. But beyond that, I found something that makes me happy, I found something that I am passionate about. I found friends that I still talk to, I found teachers who would support me for years after graduation. I’m serious, I still hear from every theater teacher I have ever had, and I graduated five years ago.

Theater changed my entire life. I am sitting on a stage at 11pm right now writing this. I cannot imagine where I would be without this in my life. I tried for a couple years to ignore this part of me, it honestly wasn’t until I came back that I realized how much it had given me. And I will always be thankful that it did.

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Life · Uncategorized

Go Eat A Hamburger

“Go Eat a Hamburger” yeah, really creative, because I haven’t heard that one before. I’m small, I get it. One thing that I felt like I was not allowed to talk about was my body, because I’m small. Growing up I saw how women who were small got attacked for their size. I wore t shirts and gym shorts until I was twelve years old. I didn’t want anything that fit me, because then no one could see my size. Because I’m small, so I should feel good about myself. But it wasn’t like that.

I dated a guy for four and a half years, and every single time we saw his family they made comments about how I must have an eating disorder because I was small. Not everyone who is small has an eating disorder. Yes it is a very real problem in our world, but I won’t go into that right now. Hearing that so often though, I started to think there was something wrong with me for being how I was. I was ashamed. I still have people harass me if I don’t finish my food. I still have people who make me feel bad for being the way I am.

The thing is, no matter what your size is, you should not be telling someone else what they should look like. Your size is not the important thing. Who you are is. Being happy is. Body shaming is never acceptable, no matter what you look like. It is never okay to make someone else feel bad about themselves. It is never okay to try to shame someone who is different than you. Can you imagine how much better the world would be if we all encouraged each other as much as we tore each other down? I can tell you, that tearing someone else down does not make you any better than them.

Society constantly sends mixed messages about what people should look like, what they should feel like, how they should act. Drop that. Be who you want to be. Be who you are happy with. Stop all the shaming. You are beautiful, you are amazing, and there is no one else like you.

Size and shape don’t matter. You are beautiful from the inside out. Why would you want to tell anyone any different? Why should you tell them they are anything other than beautiful? You shouldn’t. I dealt with being told I wasn’t pretty, that I was too small, that I would never be beautiful, that no one could ever love me. I had such a low self-esteem that I was shocked anytime told me I was beautiful. The world shouldn’t be like that.

Girls are mean, and as early on as I can remember in school I learned that you were mean to other girls to fit in. I learned that was the way to make yourself feel better, but it doesn’t really make you feel better. It makes everything so much worse.

Learn to encourage, learn to see the beauty in everyone. You are not the judge of anyone else. This is not a competition, this is life. Yours will get a lot better when you learn to love yourself and everyone around you.